Page 12

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

April, 1991

Alive & Well

by Kyle

One of the most common, and without doubt normal, concerns of being HIV positive is the fear of getting sick. It is a very real fear, a very scary fear, and all too often a crippling fear. I doubt that any of us have not felt its awful power at one time or another.

I know for myself there are those times, especially at night and especially when there is a lot going on in my life when I step back for a moment to relax and instead am suddenly overwhelmed with underlying tension. I will be laying quietly in bed letting my mind wander freely over the day when, before I know it, my thoughts run rampantly into tomorrow, the next day, and the next and then it happens. A familiar kind of dread begins to wash over me, I become acutely aware of my own vulnerability and that dark and fearful thought creeps in and takes form against my will: What if I get sick? I can feel my heart pounding through my chest, my pulse races off on its own, I can smell my own sweat and I struggle for an even breath... Oh my god, what if I am sick...?

And that's all it takes. I'm off and running, giving full reign to my fears and anxieties. And it's not just a thought anymore, the fear has become real. The terror trickles from my pores as I give up my future to desperate exhaustion.

There's some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this; most to all of us do sooner or later. But that's little consolation when I'm laying in bed alone at two a.m. and it happens again.

When it first happened, shortly after my diagnosis, I decided that when the time came I would kill myself. Nicely of course. I chose to call it "aesthetic suicide." Aesthetic because I felt it would be the result of a rational and reasonable decision in contrast to "normal suicide" which was (by my judgment at the time) more of an act of misery and desperation. After all, I had confronted my mortality. I was not afraid to die. I had examined my values and priorities. I chose to live life as fully as possible. When I couldn't live fully I would choose to die (nicely, of course). It seemed quite simple.

And once again there was that familiar comfort that I wasn't alone. Others had calmly come to the same conclusion and

decision. Everything seemed fine again. Until the next time...

That was just over a year ago. Since then I have had the wonderful honor of knowing many people living with AIDS. I have had the privilege of friendship with many challenged individuals who are sick or who have become sick. Every day I am in awe of their courage, humbled by their strength, and grateful for their hope. They don't give up and they don't give in. Each and every day they step beyond their illness and embrace their lives. They step beyond their fears and forge ahead.

How do they do it, I wondered? How can they be so strong? How can they handle this sickness where I would rather die than suffer through it? How and why?

I remember one PLWA who was asked to name one thing that he did regularly for himself. "I wake up," he answered. And his simplicity taught me a beautiful lesson. The answer really isn't so hard at all. They do it because they want to. They do it because each day matters to them. They do it because their life is worth it.

Many PLWA's struggle with symptom after symptom and don't give up. Many actually get stronger. They pool their inner resources and courageously march ahead. They smile and laugh, they have friends and they love, they look forward to each new day.

And they forced me to confront my own decision.

At what point is life no longer worth it? The first rash? AZT? Diarrhea? The first lesion? The tenth lesion? Pneumonia? When does my life become meaningless to me?

It doesn't ever have to become meaningless. That is my choice. That is my lesson. That is my healing.

I may not be free to control the things that happen to me, but I am one hundred percent free to control the attitude I have toward these things. My personal well-

being or suffering depend on my attitude. Nothing more. Nothing less.

All of those crippling fears of mine are nothing more than projections. They are based on "what if..." and nothing more. And in this way I can project open and positive, or I can project in limitations and negatives. That is my choice. I can set myself up for failure and give up before I've had a chance or I can open myself up

to the equally valid possibility that there is more to my life, more value to my existence than the things I have previously learned to measure it by.

The fact is that we all tend to underestimate ourselves. We're quick to think we're not strong enough without ever giving ourselves a chance. And yet we honestly do deserve the benefit of the doubt. Each and every one of us has survived at least one crisis in our lives, if not more. We say we can't do something but the fact is that we do it. We say we can't handle something but here we are and it's handled. We think something is going to kill us but we're still here talking about how it was going to kill

LESBIAN-GAY

This space has been donated to the Center by the Chronicle, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Chronicle staff or management.

by Aubrey Wertheim

Add another plate. The Center welcomes Scott Weissman to our agency who joins the staff as our new Living Room Assistant. Scott will play a much-needed role in helping the Living Room obtain long-term fiscal security.

Men who Made It. March broke records for Men In Touch. Fifteen participants graduated from the February series. Congrats to all who held the course and Tom, Ed, John and Dale for facilitating the two groups. The March group is already started, but clear your calendar for the next round: May 14.

East of Lesbos, West of Java: The first Women's Coffeehouse of 1991 is coming! Circle your datebooks for Saturday, April 13th.

PRYSM Points of Light: Over 150 high schoolers at Camp Cleveland for Windsor Hospital's "Lean on Me" peer listening program were introduced to the issue of sexual minority youth on March 15. One Center staffer and one PRYSM volunteer participated in workshops designed to help teens explore crucial issues in their lives. We'll be there again on March 22, April 19 and April 26 (a middleschool session).

A Minnesota poster, "What do I do if my

us rather than how we drew on our own strength to survive.

Every life situation is its own little challenge and we always rise to the occasion. So each symptom is a new challenge and each challenge a new victory. And we become stronger not weaker, more whole not less so. We move closer to life not farther away. And we grow.

There are always things we're going to fear. But we don't always have to sell ourselves short. I don't want to get sick but even if I do I know that my life will still have meaning. And every time that another PLWA wakes up to greet the day, I know I can to it too. ▼

friend is gay?," is now available for schools and adolescent-serving agencies. Call the Center at 522-1999 if you'd like a copy.

The PRYSM (Presence and Respect for Youth in Sexual Minority) outreach committee is finalizing plans for an all-day conference in October around meeting the needs of sexual minority youth. Continuing Education credits will be available. If you have interest in assisting with this conference or taking part in the committee's other work, give a call.

Do you have a cool parent? PRYSM is in need of sensitive mom and dads to serve as a parental adult advisors several times a month. Many PRYSM young people are estranged from or abused by their biological parents and are in need of understanding surrogate sources of validation and support. Please have any qualified parent call us to set up an appointment for further details.

Encore! It's a Stage is back on track! If you love singing show tunes with a bunch of other spirited musical fans, call the hotline for the date and show slated for April.

Check Her Out. Over fifty women attended the March 3 Center reception to welcome our new executive director Leigh Robertson. The function generated new ideas, volunteers and an introduction to the agency for many.

Frankie and Johnny in the Claire de Lune. Join Centertainment at the Cleveland Play House on Friday, May 24 for the off-Broadway hit. Tickets are $29, to benefit the Center, send check payable to the Center, by April 30, to Centertainment, 1418 West 29th St., Cleveland 44113.

Continued on Page 23

MICHELE

GIFTS OF ATHENA

A Feminist Bookstore

2199 Lee Rd.

Cleveland Heights, Ohio 44118 (216) 371-1937

HOURS: Mon, Wed, Thurs & Fri 10am-8pm Closed Tues. Saturday 10am-6pm Sunday 12pm-5pm

MORRISSY PARMA, OHIO

1210SCAR LANE

SUBSCRIBE!

NAME

ADDRESS

CITY/STATE/ZIP

Rates:

Friend...$20-$30 Supporter...$36-$50 Benefactor... $51-$100

Low Income...$15

Amt. Enclosed:

Mail to: GPC Box 5426 Cleveland, Ohio 44101

شكرا

All Subscriptions arrive

in a plain envelope.

HEART TO HEART Professional

Dog & Cat Grooming

"PLACE YOUR PET IN OUR HEARTS"

7 DAYS BY APPOINTMENT

(216) 741-2663

URINAL

Cleveland Premiere! Thurs., 4/18 at 9:30 pm Sat., 4/20 at 9:20 pm

Langston Hughes, Sergei Eisenstein Frida Kahlo and Yukio Mishima are summoned to contemporary Toronto to investigate a police crackdown on washroom sex in John Greyson's funny, disturbing film.

4760 STATE ROAD CLEVELAND, OHIO 44109

Also in April: the uncut APARTMENT ZERO Fri., 4/12, 7:30 pm & Sat., 4/13, 9:20 pm

The Cleveland Cinematheque at the Cleve. Inst. of Art East Blvd at Bellflower in Univ. Circle 421-7450 Free, secure parking in CIA lot

Admission $4